A tangle of thought.

I’m in the mood to be held - I guess cuddled is a better word.

I just want someone. Wanting someone is new for me.

But I want a companionship relationship.

I want to be best friends; best friends that care about each other so much that the only other step is a relationship.

I just want it.

I’m being so pissy and emotional, but I just feel empty, and nothing is filling it.

But the sad part is, I know what would fill it, and what would fill it would be a relationship.

I hate that I’ve been backed into that corner, cause I feel like I’ll be there, until one of two things happens:

1). I actually get into the relation

2.) For some reason one of us
decides we no longer want to
be friends.

But I want one of the two things to happen, because I’m pretty tired of feeling like this.

I’m not used to feeling empty.

One day, I’m going to look back on this and see just how foolish and stupid I was..

I’ll actually be able to tell myself the dreaded “I told you so..”

I just need something to fix this. I don’t like myself..

I think people are picking up on it, and that’s what scares me so much.

100% poker face at every minute, but this is weighing on me more than I would like to admit, and because of that.. people are noticing.

But I don’t know how to change it without hurting myself..

Someone at work said something and it’s stuck with me for a while now

He said I know what’s wrong with you..

“You’re in love with love..”

I thought he was crazy and immediately said no, but the more I think about it.. the more I feel, it’s true.

And I remember he rephrased it, but I can’t remember what exactly he said.

But I don’t know how to fall out of love with something, because when I love something.. and truly love it,

I love it with my whole being.

I know in the end my heart is going to be broken, and I’ll end up being a bitter angry bitch.. but you always hope it doesn’t.. but we all know..

I want, for maybe just once, for something that I really want, to go the way I want.

Yes, I do understand how pissy, emotional, and quite cliche that sounds, but I just want this. I want it with all my heart, right now. Will those feelings change? Who knows, maybe, maybe I find something else, but right now, in this moment. I just want that one thing.

I always feel empty, I hate to say it, almost lonely. Not your typical empty or lonely, because I have plenty of time and attention from all of the people I love, but void of the feeling I want to be reciprocated.

I understand you cant make someone have feeling for you - I completely understand that, it would be shitty and incredibly selfless - and I’d like to believe that I’m a pretty selfless person, but I just want it. I want it so badly, that every time we’re separate I’m reminded just how badly I want it.

Maybe I should define ‘it’.

Hold on a sec while I get really sappy..

It.

It is a relationship, it is a title, it is the chance to call you mine.

Mind you, I hate relationships - despise them almost.

I feel like people use them as a crutch to hide their insecurities about being alone, and maybe never being with someone, and more.

I, am completely different. I enjoy my independence; a relationship is not going to make or break me. I think it does, however, give me the chance to grow, both mentally and emotionally. The only reason I would be in a relationship is because I see potential to benefit, but not selfishly.

It would help me emotionally because, I don’t know how to be vulnerable. It scares me, it scares the shit out of me. I think it is something I need to work on, because I cant go my whole life being emotionally guarded from someone because I’m afraid my heart is going to be broken… It will, that’s life. 

As I think about it, you cant grow mentally if you don’t grow emotionally, and you cant grow emotionally if you don’t grow mentally.

What I mean by that is, I think both things play off of each other both, blindly and visibly.

Blindly, because sometimes your emotions fuck you up royally without any warning. No warning at all.

Visibly, because, I saw all this shit coming. Mentally, I said it was gonna be bad, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.

I think this is a great mix of both. I saw it coming, I was trying to stop it, but I also couldn’t let the opportunity go, because you never know what can happen. All I definitely know is that I now have the strongest feelings I have ever felt for a person.

It’s a blessing and a curse.

It’s fun and flirty, and cute and innocent, and then I get home, and I still can’t call him mine.

The emptiness and loneliness kicks in, and I’m just in a slump.

Could I help the slump? Yes.

I could tell him how I feel, and then everything could be solved, but I don’t 150% know how he would respond or act.

What if that’s the end of our friendship?

I’ve lost a friend, and built a wall, I’m afraid, will take a long time for someone to get through again.

Most would say, it’s easy, just tell him.

Sure. I’m just going to tell a straight boy, I have feelings for him, and feelings that have gone farther than a little crush.

Not so easy as it seems..

Okay, I think this is enough emotions and feelings for the interwebz, and a tunnel far to deep into the core of my being.

Enjoy.

I want to cry so many tears. It’s always really embarrassing to send your boo thing a picture of someone who looks like them, and what you thought was cropped, wasn’t, and there is dick in the picture.

i literally dont understand the point of making a bed

Finally, someone who understands.

I don’t understand why that just got to me? My stomach is in knots, and I’m slightly scared.